1 Year In

I’ve been meaning to write this for a while now but haven’t… so, technically we are a bit more than “1-Year In”. #delinquent! Ha! Michael took me as his woman on January 27, 2016 after I had all but begged (okay… begged) him to allow me to be under his “covering”. Have we talked about how we met before?? Probably. 🙂 Let me just do a quick recap.

In August of 2015, I read one of Michael’s blogs for the first time. Hated it. But for some reason, I kept reading… and each article gave me nuggets that both challenged and enlightened me. Michael saw things that I saw peripherally, but couldn’t yet put my finger on.

Within a month I was a regular attender of his online sabbath class where he was going through the torah line by line. A month later we were friends and beginning to talk on the phone, which progressed to talking on Skype. I helped him with artwork for his blog and we had wonderful conversations about our mutual love, Yehovah and His word.

In late October I had an extreme sense of dread overcome me… something “clicked” and I had a moment of clarity when I understood that I needed to have a covering. I longed for peace…for shalom… and understood that the beginning of finding that meant that I had to surrender my pride and control issues and start seeing myself for what I was…. a woman created for a purpose….to do the will of Yehovah…of God… and that meant humbling myself and learning to be a helper for a man (whether it is my husband, father, brother, etc.).

That first day on the phone when I asked to be Michael’s “long-distance” Amah (non-sexual female servant), he laughed at me. Apparently that isn’t a “thing”. I was deflated but understood. As an uncovered woman, I was in a pickle and often called myself “a sitting duck”. I DID ask my Dad if I could be HIS servant and live with him and help he and my Mom however I could… and if he wanted, he could find me a husband and marry me off. (I was trying to live out what I saw in the Tanakh.) My loving Daddy said I could always come home and stay with them if I needed to “get back on my feet”, but that he didn’t subscribe to the particular belief system that I was operating under. So that was out.

Long story short, Michael’s and my friendship grew and we eventually started talking in earnest about me joining him as his woman.

Fast forward a year (+) and here I am….and here he is. We live together on the opposite side of the country from where he resided before. We live on a community ranch where we have animals (a horse, 2 dogs, and chickens so far) and gardens (one in our back yard and a great spot in the community garden). We are learning and practicing life according to our created purpose.

Michael is the leader in our home. He sets the tone (and what a lovely tone it is!)!

I am becoming more and more grateful that I don’t have to make every decision for myself. I’m learning to relax into the ability to say “honey, what should I do?”…and learning to TRUST and DO what he says! (In the past I have often asked others for their opinions but ultimately looked to myself as the authority. This emasculated my previous partners, showing them that I did not really value what they said…even if I SAID I did with words, I didn’t live it.)

I’M NUMBER TWO!!

A few years ago I started to sense I was created to be a “#2” (not the “#1” I was trying to be). My pride and entitlement issues made me want to exalt myself to be a #1…but that is not who I was created to be… I’m a #2.

Years ago I was involved with one of my church’s community groups for single young professionals. The leader was kind to me and gave me responsibilities to help him and soon I looked at myself as a “co-leader” in this group. Once in this role, I often found myself judging the actual leader… I was critical and often thought I knew better. As time passed, I began to have romantic feelings for this man and those feelings naturally humbled me and made me WANT to be his “#2”. I remember journaling about that strange feeling. I think we, as women, if we tap into our “woman-ness”, will find that we desire to be soft and pliable and dependent.

It was like what I saw a couple weeks ago when my very-dominant female dog who THINKS she’s “alpha” (and acts like a crazy fool anytime another dog doesn’t RECOGNIZE that she is the BOSS) walked alongside a TRULY “alpha” dog (who was much bigger than her too)….she NATURALLY humbled herself and even tucked behind him when she was looking for protection from something that scared her on our walk. It was really neat to see. #natureinaction

It’s no one’s fault…it’s the way our society has gone, but frankly I was raised/trained to think and act like a man, not a woman. I was taught that “I am in charge” and that I can be whatever I want instead of being taught to be a help-meet/ezer kenegdo. In a partnership where all parties know their roles, everyone thrives. I still struggle with feeling like I have to “achieve and accomplish” things for myself to exalt my name. That’s not how it’s supposed to be. I’m supposed to humble myself and be one with my master and exalt HIM!

So that’s what I’m working on…still… in year 1+. 😉

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